Regrets
by Claire O'Mack
Summary: Tom looks back at some of his past regrets.


This is my first real attempt at writing through the eyes of Tom Paris, I do hope I can do him justice.

Regrets

Tom Paris looked at his reflection in the mirror and for a moment just stared at it. He wasn't studying his appearance or checking to see if any more lines had appeared on his face, he was simply thinking, or more precisely remembering. The day had brought with it a grey and cloudy sky, rain threatened to spill out over the San Francisco bay, but as yet had not done so. Tom paid no attention to that now, he was remembering the very first time he had ever truly regretted something.

He must have been about fourteen years old, his father was for once at home and very much asleep, as was his mother. Tom had crept out of his room and downstairs into the laundry room. In one of the baskets lay his fathers uniform. Picking it up he quickly pulled it up over his undershoots. The uniform was unsurprisingly to large. However Tom was tall for his age, and well built. Many hours playing parizi squares would do that. Only having to roll the sleeves up slightly and tucking the pant legs into his black boots Tom turned and took a look at himself in the mirror. Realising that he was missing something Tom then hurried back up the stairs, and snatched the little gold pip from his coat pocket. Not daring to hang around any longer he made a dash for the door. Opening it and feeling the first chill of Autumn on his skin he straightened his back and took in a deep breath. Feeling around on the collar of his uniform, Tom attached the pip and held his head high. He knew as he walked the short distance down his street to the cross walk, that the pip should strictly be on his grey under shirt. There had however not been the opportunity to steal one. Still feeling pleased with himself Tom crossed the street and headed towards the local bar.

Opening the doors he was happy to see that although not filled with people, there were enough patrons so he could blend in. Walking up to the bar he sat himself on the stool with confidence, one that he did not entirely feel. The leg resting on the wooded slat of the stool was shaking slightly, but he wasn't going to let this stop him. Placing his hand on the bar he called over the bar tender.

"Glass of bourbon please,on the rocks." Tom's voice was clear and crisp, but he bar tender looked at him suspiciously and placed the empty glass he had been cleaning on the polished surface of the bar.

"You look a little young to be drinking." He said as Tom bristled, he had been ready for this, and right now he would have to lay it on thick, if he was ever going to get his first real drink.

"Sir I am an Ensign in Star fleet, believe me I am old enough and its been a rough day. Tom said looking the man right in the eyes. For a moment the bar tender looked like he was going to just take Tom at his word. Then the man lent forward and gave Tom a real good stare.

"I am sure you are son, but I could use some ID anyway, local patrols don't take to kindly to me serving under age drinkers." Tom was stuck for a moment, he consider just getting up and going home, but he had worked too hard and too long to do just that. Being a son of a Star fleet Captain however did have it uses. Tom knew the Valencia had just docked, and had been though a pretty tough time fighting the Romulans near the neutral zone.

"I know I look young sir, been a curse of mine, but my ship just got in and I could really use a drink." Tom said knowing exactly what the next question would be, and just how he was going to get his drink.

"What ship were you on son?"

"The Valencia." Almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth Tom regretted them, for the bar tender did not simply nod and go and get his drink. His hand landed hard on Tom's shoulder as he shouted to the rest of the occupants of the bar about Tom's claim.

Tom couldn't help turning a deep shade of crimson, as many people turned to look at him, some raised their glasses and other clapped slightly. As he looked at the crowed however he spotted someone he recognised. She was a small red head, her hair hung loose just past her shoulders, and as her steal blue eyes met his their gazes locked.

"Shit." Tom muttered under his breath as his drink appeared on the bar beside him. The beverage forgotten Tom watched as the woman, probably in her early twenties walked towards him. Her face betrayed nothing as she reached out and placed her arm between Tom and the drink.

"I have been looking for you everywhere Ensign, your father has been dyeing to see you." For a moment Tom was stunned that she hadn't given him away, unable to really reply at first he simply shrugged.

"But he has not had his drink yet, I am sure his father could wait while the young man has one." The bar tender chipped in. The red head snapped her eyes to the man, her face held a small smile, but her eyes told a different story.

"I am sorry but the Captain has been waiting to see him all day, I really should be getting him home." With the extra emphasis on the word Captain the bar tender backed down immediately.

"Well I suppose we can't keep his father waiting, you make sure that he gets a good welcome home a." The man said going back to cleaning his glasses, as Tom was caught by the elbow and escorted out of the bar.

"I will make sure he gets what he deserves." The redhead called back as she pushed Tom into the street and walked a little way before turning him on his heal. Looking into a slightly angry face Tom was still aware of the fact that even at fourteen he still stood as tall as the woman in front of him. Something that now was not to his advantage as she was looking him directly in the eye.

"Tom Paris, I don't know what you were thinking, but you need to go home right now." She said as Tom looked down at his shoes and scuffed one on the pavement.

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone." Tom said in way of his defence but the woman before him shook her head.

"One day Mr Paris I am sure you will be putting on that uniform for real, and only then will you understand what it means to wear it, what you have to sacrifice, what you need to be. Until then I don't want to catch you in one again. Now I won't be telling you father about our little encounter as long as you promise never to try anything like this again."

Tom had promised her, and he had stuck to it, she had also kept her word, to this day his father never knew of his little late night trip to the bar. Tom now fastened his collar and attached all four pips to it. One by one he felt them pop in, as he did this he didn't loose sight of himself in the mirror. Now Tom remembered the second regret of his life, it was one he never thought about, even now at this time he couldn't bring himself to remember that shuttle accident, or what he did afterwards.

Tom had thought that coming clean would make him feel better, would alleviate some of the guilt he felt every time he put on his uniform. It hadn't, all it did was take away the uniform. Something he had been without when he thought about his third regret. Many times he had thought about the pretty red head at the bar, meeting her again now he was older and showing her what it meant to him to be wearing the uniform. It didn't happen that way, no the next time he had seen her he had been in prison, she stood over him all in control and her hair tied up in some elaborate bun. He regretted her seeing him like that, having her take him in as an observer. He never showed that of course, he had learnt over the years to hide his emotions, fill the void with humour and bravado. Tom was sure that Kathryn Janeway saw right though it, but she never said anything. So he had gone with her, and over the years had made up for his mistakes, until the point where he could at least live with himself again.

Taking in a deep breath Tom pulled on the base of his dress uniform pulling it into place but still feeling awkward in it. He had never really like this thing, and now even more so. It had been five years since they had been back, an almost immediate promotion to lieutenant commander, had quickly turned into commander as he worked on a couple of Star ships, seeing his fair share of battles and showing great skill for leadership and calmness in the face of danger, Tom Paris had been elevated to the rank of Captain only two months ago. He was due to take is first command at the end of the month. Tom thought now about giving it all up, and wondering if it would be one of his future regrets.

Tom's fourth regret was a little more difficult to explain, especially to himself. For a long time Tom had wanted to see if he could take his relationship with his Capitan to the next level. There had been few opportunities to see if that was possible, but in those moments Tom had backed away, scared of what she would say, what she would do, but mostly scared that he would disappoint her. So he had gone on with his life, found love with B'elanna and watched from afar the queen in her ivory tower. Tom remembered now how one night he had been injured on a mission, badly enough for him to still not remember exactly what he had been doing, or what had happened.

He had however woken up to a dimly lit sick bay, his head pounding behind his eyes, and a lone figure sat half asleep in the chair next to him. Turning his head and shifting under the covers slightly had fully awoken his companion.

"Mr Paris, shussh, you have had a nasty head wound, don't try to speak just go back to sleep." Kathryn had said her hand falling on his bare shoulder, the touch of her skin on his was like an electric shock, and Tom blinked a few times.

"Thank you for being her Kathryn." He had said not even thinking about the use of her first name. Her hand had tightened on his shoulder slightly as she looked down at him. Her mouth was smiling, but her eyes held something else, worry yes, but for a moment Tom saw something very familiar reflected in those eyes. Regret.

Tom felt pressure on his hand then, as his eyes were torn away from his own reflection and down to his daughters big brown eyes.

"Is it time to go Daddy?" She asked clutching tightly to his hand as she swung it back and forth.

"Yes sweetie, is your mummy ready?" Tom asked walking towards the bedroom door and pulling Miral behind him down the stairs. Tom looked up to see B'elanna waiting for them at the base of the stairway. Her face was lined beyond her years, it had been hard on her being back, having to follow him around the galaxy, a small child in tow. B'elanna had found it hard working under Star fleet rules, she only managed on Voyager because she respected the Capitan in a way she could never respect the ones in the Alfa quadrant. She had quickly given up her commission to work on cargo ships. Now in her simple dress she stood and watched as her husband and daughter joined her. Tom took her hand now, reaching out and placing it in his own, squeezing slightly he knew he should not regret this and he didn't not really.

Tom walked out of the house and down the street, there was a sombre air to the place and it wasn't just because of the weather. Getting ever closer to headquarters there was a fair amount of people already there, and more were coming in behind them. Tom looked up and shook his head at the sky before they moved though the crowd to the front. Tom looked now and felt that pang of regret, one he could never rectify, he would never be able to say goodbye.

Being back, and living her life behind a desk, had ultimately not been enough for the former Captain of Voyager. Now an admiral she had decided to go back out there, and help in the Romulan war. Tom knew if Kathryn could have chosen a way to die it would have been in command of a starship out in space. Tom did not regret this one bit, Kathryn Janeway was the same as him, at home in space, happy and content, and now as hundreds, maybe even thousands of people gathered around her coffin all draped in the Star fleet flags Tom patted his pocket and drew out the note he had placed in there.

It had been found with Kathryn's personal belongings, and he didn't know if anyone else had gotten one, but he knew B'elanna hadn't. Opening it now as the coffin moved slowly along the main street Tom looked down at the paper. It was hand written, her elegant writing spread out across the page. Tom read those words now and glanced only briefly at the small wooden box that held his Captain.

_Dear Tom,_

_If you are reading this then I have met the end of my journey, do not morn me for I know I went out the way I lived, as a Star Fleet officer. I remember telling you a long time ago that you would one day understand what that meant. I think you understood better than most in the end._

_I also wanted to congratulate you on your promotion, I would have liked to do this in person of course, but circumstance have not allowed me to do so. _

_I am honoured to have known and served with you, keep on trekking though the stars Mr Paris and have no regrets I know I don't._

_All my love K Janeway x_

Tom had read that letter maybe ten times, she had finally said it, she was gone and he could not tell her back how much he had loved her, but now as the coffin went out of sight and the people around him wiped the tears from their faces, Tom placed the letter back in his pocket and wrapped his arm around his wife's shoulder and took hold of his daughters hand. Looking down at them he offered them both a small smile before turning to join the rest of Voyager's crew for the wake, he took one last look back.

"No regrets."

THE END

For Pippa, you will always be in my heart.

Hope that was ok, I also know it was kind of sad. Please review and let me know your thoughts. Thank you for reading XxX


End file.
